25

On Sunday, December 18th I turned 25 years old. Although frightening to hit the quarter-century mark, it wasn't nearly as tumultuous as I imagined it to be.  No walls came caving in, I didn't see any gray hair, and thankfully I didn't hear my biological clock ticking ( although I'm convinced it really does) . Facebook knows how to make you feel like a celebrity for a day by telling all of your friends it's your day so they write on your wall to send you birthday wishes. There were generic "Happy Bday" messages, and sincere messages from your friends you actually see outside of Facebook-land. My favorite wish of the day was "hbd". I am not unappreciative of such a wish, but it surprised me that "Happy Birthday" has now become a part of our text language in the same vein as "LOL" or "WTF".

My least favorite birthday wish was a phone call at 3:21 AM Monday morning, the day after my birthday. I was awake (I've been having some sleeping issues lately), so it wasn't really the call that upset me . And, if you know me you know I don't accept calls from blocked/unknown numbers , and I let it go to voicemail. As I played the voicemail a few minutes later , I was surprised by the voice knowing that I hadn't heard from them in months. Yet hearing "I'm sorry I didn't call earlier, I was in jail" wasn't really what I was expecting to hear come out of their mouth. I've never received a call from jail, and I don't think I know too many people that have gone.  A lot of thoughts went through my head,  Was I their one call? How do I call them back? What jail? What did they do? Are they hurt? . Knowing this person and their previous history, I assumed bar fight, or DUI. Horrible assumptions, right?

Two days later I find that my assumptions were unfortunately true, and my friend received their SECOND DUI. Their BAC was .24 or .27 and they very  likely could have killed themselves or someone else. Thankfully, neither of those were the result of my friend choosing to test the roads while drunk. Maybe I shouldn't be surprised that this is their second arrest considering their minimal emotional response to me telling them my friend died of a drinking and driving accident  just over a year ago, or their lack of comforting me in a time I needed a shoulder to cry on. That blood alcohol level is extremely high, and thinking that they could get behind the wheel is the result of drinking that much. The bigger question to me, Why didn't anyone stop them? Most likely my friend was out at a bar, or at some one's house getting drunk. Why did  no one stop them from getting in the car and driving home? I've gotten in a fight or two with friends for not letting them drive drunk. Sure I'll be the asshole for the night or forever, but I know I'm doing the right thing. Why did not one person care about my friend enough to stop them from getting behind the wheel? I see the Facebook messages to my friend telling them they're glad they're okay, and they love them, but do they really? Clearly not enough.

I don't blame those people of course, I blame my friend. Over the course of our twelve year friendship I've not only seen our friendship decline, but also  this person's overall well-being decline dramatically. I've seen our lives go in polar opposites, yet I've held on to our friendship because I see a glimmer of my old friend in there. My friend has chosen the bottle of alcohol over better life choices. Several months ago I hung out with my friend and after they nearly passed out at the bar, and men approaching to take advantage, I had to get them out of there. When I took them home I made sure they were okay and in bed but I just remember looking at my friend in such a state I hadn't seen them in. They were beyond drunk, and it worried me that if I hadn't been there my friend could have been in a worse state.  Clearly my friend has a disease, and it's not being treated.  I can't fault my friend for the disease they have because I wouldn't be a friend to them.  I'm not writing this  to put my friend on blast, and make them feel worse then they already do (although they probably won't read this), but I'm definitely scared for them. How much more can you put not just yourself, but your friends and family through? I've never had my heart ache the way it did when my friend Danielle died and although death is inevitable, I never want to lose a friend or family member because of alcohol again.

So this was definitely an odd/sad start to my 25th year of living, but hopefully that will be the worst news of the year. With just a few days until Christmas, and less than a week until New Year's Eve, I hope that you all make the right choices when celebrating.

Of course it wouldn't be a blog post without a little music, so here's a video of 4 Non Blondes singing "What's Up" ( the only song I know of that talks about being 25..)

To Whom It May Concern

To Whom It May Concern,


Why are you so far from me?In my arms is where you ought to be.How long will you make me wait?
I don't know how much more I can take. I missed you, but I haven't met you. Oh but I want to,how I do.
Slowly counting down the days, till I finally know your name.The way your hand feels round my waist,
the way you laugh, the way your kisses taste. I missed you , but I haven't met you. Oh but I want to, how
I do.

Dear whoever you might be, I'm still waiting patiently.

Glitter In The Air

"Have you ever wished for an endless night?

Lassoed the moon and the stars, and pulled that rope tight.

Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself ,

will it ever get better then tonight?"

Last weekend I went on a trip with some friends to Las Vegas. I've never wanted a weekend to last forever more then I did this one. It was not because we were in Sin City , partying, and having a fun time (but of course that contributed to why it was an amazing weekend). But because I was with some of my best friends and it was really the last time (at least for a while) that we'd all be together. Kira and Jon are moving to Japan, and Dennis is moving to Australia. The whole weekend just seemed perfect and I loved every minute of it. Although it was in the back of my mind that my friends are leaving, it didn't matter because we were all together at that moment. Guess we're all meeting in Australia sometime in 2012..probably March. I'm going to be a hermit so I can save my money. I'd dive in to my feelings about my friends leaving but I don't know if tears are good for the inside of keyboards.

So, what's going on with me other then a trip to Vegas? Well,  just working for the two music venues for now. One of the venues is closing in the next couple of months, and even though I am being moved down to the other venue ( we work out of the one closing right now), I definitely need more money.  I've been thinking about a lot of stuff lately and trying to figure out what I'm doing with my life, so once I know, I'll be sure to put it up here. However, my 71(?) year old boss has finally accepted that the internet is not a passing fad after attending a meeting at the Roxy which has been very successful on internet marketing alone. Can you believe they don't print in ANY publications?! So, it's making my job a little bit better having some support.

Let's see...Last post was in May, and I had lost 15 lbs. Now it's the end of July and I'm at 26 lbs. as of last week. Slow and steady wins the race? We'll see how I do this week, especially after Vegas. I was really depressed last month after I had to quit my trainer. It was taking a toll on my paycheck and I couldn't afford her anymore. I was heartbroken and she wrote me the nicest email which made it even harder.  If you're ever in Newport Beach and need a trainer, let me know I will hook you up with Kai. But, I've been still doing the stuff she taught me, so hopefully I can keep it up, even if it's not the same intensity. I have this older gentleman at Weight Watchers that has befriended me. He is really nice and is very skinny and has lots of good advice for me. It's nice having him there because he holds me accountable every week and makes me not want to come to meeting and have gained or not lost. There are a lot of women that check up on me too, so it's nice having that. I'm really enjoying the program and just wish I could actually start SEEING some results!

Two more days until the weekend... Friday night I'm headed up to Simi Valley to say goodbye to Kira. It's going to be SO hard to control my emotions, but I know I need to be happy for her and have her leave on a happy note. Okay, enough..big cry baby over here!

That's enough for tonight..I leave you with the song in which I took the lyrics from at the beginning of this entry and used for the title as well. This video in particular is an amazing performance by Pink. I'm not the hugest fan of hers, but she has a few songs here and there that I fall in love with, and this is one of those songs.

Enjoy.
Sara Jean

Miss Me?

 

     I've definitely neglected this blog entirely. I'm a horrible blogger, I know. I'm going to try to get back in the swing of things and get back to writing. A lot has happened since my last entry and to go through it all would be quite a read. The last entry was March 3rd, and now it's over two months since then, so you can imagine that a lot happens in a few months.

  
  
     Let me try to get you up to speed with what's going on in my life. For one, I'm very happy. I haven't been so happy in a very long time. And this is not to say that I've been 'sad', but there were times when I wish things would dramatically change, just as any one else would. There are a lot of things I would change with what's going on in my life, but these things are not upsetting me at all.

      

    So for those of you who don't know me, or haven't quite caught wind, I quit my job in LA to move back to Orange County and work down here. I am also living with my mom, which sounds like a horrible thing and makes me seem like a slacker, but  my mom is absolutely amazing, and I probably won't ever live with her again (unless she moves in with ME when we're all older ;) ) so I'm fully enjoying this moment while I get on my feet..or try to (I have zero knowledge on how to actually SAVE money). It was a pretty big move for me to leave the LA area but I needed to escape my evil boss and the job I had working for her. I REALLY need to write a book about my experiences working for this woman, but I'm afraid I'm not a very good writer.  I was an assistant/sometimes nanny/weekend babysitter to a tv producer who shall remain nameless. When you hear horror stories about people in the industry, or if you have ever watched or read The Devil Wears Prada, that would be my ex-boss. Don't get me wrong, she had her moments where I actually really liked and admired her, especially in the beginning. But I have never cried so many times in a six-month period, and I definitely never deserved to be called some of the things I was called (ever had your boss call you the C word??), or felt the way I felt after being told those things. There were some perks, but money definitely wasn't one. I sacrificed a lot of who I was and a lot of relationships with friends because I literally was not myself any more, nor did I have any time to just be ME. And when I did have time off, I was still working; checking emails contantly for orders from her, answering her calls for the littlest shit. Like, getting a call to drive to her home to record a  TV show since she was with her kids getting their nails done in Beverly Hills and wouldn't be back in time..Any time I complained I was shut up instantly, and I was never right, even when I was. I did not want to be a TV producer. So why did I stay? Well, I was working to live and thought I was stuck. I didn't want to move home because my life and my friends were there, and I didn't want to give up on a life I thought I was creating. I believed that this would just be another great experience on my resume. I also believed I would be making great connections, but the truth was everyone I talked to in the industry ( and not in the industry) really seemed to hate my boss..go figure.

      

     When I received a call from a former boss that she had a job for me, it was like a call from Heaven. It was my opportunity for escape and I needed to get out. Unfortunately I had a lease on an apartment with a friend only two months in, but I paid for that apartment until the spot was filled two months later. I unfortunately lost that friend for numerous reasons including me leaving, but sometimes in life you have to think about yourself, and this one was one of those times. I think about my boss a lot and have nightmares about her all of the time. I was definitely traumatized. I keep getting that nervous feeling I had when I was working for her because it's around that time of the year when I started working for her and when the weather gets hot it reminds me of it all. June 1st, 2010 to be exact.  But here I am, almost a year later and getting back to my old self.

     So now back to more recent me..I joined Weight Watchers  March 18th and I am down 15 lbs so far. I have a long way to go, but  I'm working out with a personal trainer, eating healthier, cooking (who woulda thunk?!), and just being more concious of my lifestyle. It's not easy, and sometimes I would really just like to eat something really greasy but  I have been feeling really good lately and I attribute that to being healthier. My psoriasis ( or whatever it is...still no proper diagnosis) is also dormant for now and I'm wearing sandals, and dresses, and not sweating my ass off in pants and shoes because I'm trying to hide it . It's very liberating!

     So this turned out to be more of me talking about what has happened to me in the last 6 months as opposed to me catching you up to what's recently been going on, but I guess you can write about whatever the hell you want on a blog, right?  Still turning tables, and have a lot more to turn but I'm on the right path. Until next time... Which will definitely be sooner rather than later... :)

And in honor of horrible bosses, a trailer for a movie coming out..about horrible bosses. Enjoy !

I'm trying!

March is off to a great start! My car wouldn't start yesterday and after a lecture (from my brother, of all people)  and $200 gone,  the car is working fine until the next issue surfaces. I'm looking in to getting a new car and getting rid of this one. There are too many problems with it for only having it since 2009. Apparently the battery just died yesterday, and that was the issue. I also hadn't had an oil change in quite some time (10,000 miles over, in fact) but the mechanic actually said that wasn't an issue but that I needed to get it taken care of. And while discovering those issues they found I have two leaks in some axils? I don't speak car, so I'm going to need to round up some $ for that next issue. Anyone have any car suggestions? Anything good on gas and cheap payments sounds good !

 Today I had a long anticipated doctor's appointment with a rheumatologist. A few weeks ago I was diagnosed with Lupus after dealing with about 50 different doctor's visits and about 100 different antibiotics, etc. over a year maybe? My doctor recommended that I see this specialist today, so I made the appointment and was more than excited to get some answers. He checked me out, read my blood work, asked me all kinds of questions, and then determined it's not Lupus. Well, that's just great! I was not happy to have Lupus, but actually really excited to have an answer to what I've been dealing with for a while now.  But now I am back at square one. He said I didn't have other Lupus symptoms, nor did my autoimmune deficiency blood work have results that were Lupus-worthy. He thinks I could have a different kind of autoimmune like psoriasis. Sooooooo..now I have yet another appointment next week at a dermatologists office. Keep your fingers crossed, throw some salt over your shoulder, light a candle, whatever you do :). I'll keep you guys posted on what happens next week!

 Why do the people that draw your blood put tape on your arm afterwords ACROSS your arm so it gets on all of your hairs ? Really not necessary. That was just fun ripping that off..If I wanted to wax my arms I would go to a professional .I was sitting in the laboratory waiting to get some more tests done (more precautionary blood work) and our waiting room did not have a door, but a big open wall so that we could see everyone that walked, or dragged their walkers through the hallway. I was watching some of these people try to walk by to get to their doctor's appointments. It's so sad how elderly spend most of their lives walking around hospitals and treating the many illnesses they have. It was pretty depressing, to be honest.

 With only three days in to the new month, it seems really hard to turn tables when it feels like the universe is against me! But I'm alive, my friends and family are doing reasonably well, and I have a roof over my head.  I'm trying to keep the positive spirits up but Sensitive Sara finds that a little troubling. I'm working on it! :)



Until next time... a little Adele for those of you still living under a rock:

Turning Tables

Turning tables means a change of the tides, a shift in change from weak to strong,submissive to dominant. That's how I feel like I'm trying to live these days. After a terrible 2010, I've been struggling to take one lesson learned from that year, if nothing else; to turn the tables.

I try to think back to New Years Eve 2010, standing on Las Vegas Boulevard with my best friend, her boyfriend, her brother, and his friends. I froze my ass off on that street, slightly drunk standing in heels and a dress. I was so happy though. This was so much better then another night at someone's house party for New Years Eve, or worse; a Bridget Jones inspired evening of solo wine induced sing-alongs to Sad FM (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0D0zfB1l1x0) .I was actually somewhere, doing something. I had just finished college, and although I was working a shit job as a waitress at a burger restaurant, I felt really independent at that moment. I had no clue what the year would bring for me.

I will later go in to details of the ups and downs of this past year, just starting this first blog to explain the title to my blog. But a few months in to 2011, I feel like I'm slowly turning tables. I went through a lot more in one year then I thought I could. I am by no means here to say woe is me, or compare myself to anyone or their tragedies. Just here to tell my story and how I'm turning tables.